My little Angel 💕

You were my moon and my stars. I could look up and see you all over the sky everynight. But then why did the day had to come? Why did the sun came out? You were hidden and not visible all day long, and my soul cried for the night to come. I wish I could get you back. I wish I could tell you what you meant. I wish I could tell you how much I love you. I wish I could hold you once again. I wish I could keep you sleeping in my lap. I wish could hear you once again.

I miss everything. I miss coming back home and having you jump to the door and wag your tail. I miss your barks that sounded more like a dog bigger than you. I miss your complaining to mom when you were’nt given your favourite ball. I just miss YOU.

You were not just named Angel. You were our Angel on four paws. Your smell, your white hair, your leash, your collar, your bowl, your toys. I still have them.

I envied you always because mom and dad loved you more. You were their favourite daughter. And will always be.

Maa still misses you, papa does more. Your tinu does like noone. The entire family misses you. But I don’t. I know you’re here. With me. Seeing me.

I love you Angel. I know you’re happy. I know you love us. Just do not loose your favourite blanket wherever you are.


Where did the smile go?

I was going through those childhood albums that my mom has kept as a treasure. I couldn’t finish with it. I couldn’t get to the last page. I stopped mid-way. Reason? I realised, all the while I saw the pictures, the only thought I had was ‘where did this smile go?’

When you look at old photos and go ” Oh! Where did I keep that top?” “Wow, the room looks so changed. Mom, where did this showpiece go?” ” I remember this doll, where is it?”. But now? I look at those pictures and ask myself “Where did that smile go?”

I was a happy child. Though quite all the time. But people say my smile said a lot of things. My dad would take me out for rides on his bike in the rain, just for my smile. My mom would go walking distances just to find the barbie I wanted, just to see that smile . My Daadi (paternal grandma in hindi) would cook in the scorching heat, just to see me smiling. My sister would give up her favourite cartoon show to let me watch a cooking show, just for my smile. 

Dad still takes us for rides. Mom still gets my favourite things. Daadi still cooks my favourite food. My sister still gives me the remote. But why am I not able to give them the thing they do all that for? Where is my smile?

I tried. And tried. And triend. For a very long time I tried to get that smile back. But then I realised I’ve lost it in the chaos of all that had happened to me. Those past experiences not only did take my time, it took my smile away. And for whom did I let that smile go? For somebody who doesn’t care now? For somebody who made me cry?

I made up my mind. I decided. Enough. There are people who love me and they deserve what they work so hard for. I started to write. I started listening to happy songs and dance. I started LIVING. Again.

Now, I have the smile I had in those pictures. Life is tough. But if you live it like you did when you were a kid, it becomes more than easy. That smile is not only yours, it might be a reason for someone else’s too.



Since you love to jump on conclusions…

Some people should always be on a trampoline, since they love ‘jumping’ to conclusions all the time. 

Nobody wants to hear the other side of the story. They’ll conclude everything on the basis of what they see or hear. Actually, even we do that. Unless we suffer the same situation. When one is judged and interpretated like who they are actually not, then is the time we realise how we have judged others.

I had this big bunch of brainless people who were my ‘gang’ of friends. They would always tell me how people talk ill about me and I was like ‘how disgusting is that? How can they talk about me when they haven’t even talked to me? How well do they know me to judge me like that?”. 

But then as I grew up, I understood how it felt to be judged on the basis of a certain event or situation. That is all I did with my ‘gang’. Talked about others and counter-judged them. Only because they did that to me. In what way was I any different from them? 

Now, after all that time and after school got over. People started talking to me who were my batchmates but never talked before (Reason :- I always heard something that they’ve said something about me). You know there comes a point in a friendship where you can actually confront people because you realise that they aren’t the people you thought they were? That point did come. And I asked them if they ever said anything. And the answer was like “No. Why would I say that about you when I didn’t know you?”. Thats the time I realised,how stupid I was.

How much time it would have taken to confront the person that time itself? 10 minutes? If those 10 minutes would have taken the masks off from those fake friends, I’m ready to spend those 10 minutes on finding people who’ll stick around and care.

So, to everyone around who loves to jump to conclusions? Please help yourself and buy a trampoline, it’ll help you jump higher with your conclusions. Atleast you’ll achieve some heights in something.

Is it okay?

Is it okay for someone to not be okay all the time? Ever since I stoodnup on my own, I’ve always taken care of everybody I love. I smile like I have no pain. I laugh like I mean it. I give like I have plenty. I love like I want myself to be loved. But is it okay if I’m not fine sometimes?

In between making everybody happy and taking care of them, I lost my road. I lost myself. I became the person who everybody could count on. But do I have anyone I can count on? Maybe life was planned that way for me.

I know, life isn’t fair all the time. But then there are two sides of a coin, and there’s always one side you’ll choose no matter what is the choice. There’s always a favourite side (mine is tails, idk why). If I’m the one who is supposed to take care and has to be my best all the time? I will. Because when I see the other side of it, I see a BIG family who loves me for who I am. They don’t want me to change or they don’t judge me when I’m not okay. Instead, they’ll do everything they can to make me happy. But the fact is my happiness lies in them. 

So, I guess its okay to not be okay all the time. Sometimes, its just about living for the ones who value you.

Take some time out…

Between ‘Lets go hangout’ to ‘sorry I’m busy. Can’t come’, we all grew up. 
I remember how people called up asking to meet-up. Just little times of laughter and old talks. Hanging out everyday with people we call friends. I know things change. But these changes are so hard. Times were when you could cry your heart to somone and share everything that was happening. Now, When the daily meets and talking all day on calls are over? I have no clue how to adjust to not having all these things.

There are two kinds of people. One, your friends and the other, the people you know. There’s a big difference between the two. I never had many friends. Though had two or three around. But time took them all away on their own paths. I chose to stay where I was. Either I was scared to move ahead and find new people. Or maybe they never cared enough to look back where I was waiting for them. But as time went by, I moved on too. But alone this time. 

You know? When people who call themselves your “Friend”, walk away? You’ll find something you never noticed or acknowledged. Your family. They stick around in the worst times and celebrate your happy ones too. They are YOURS. They won’t go anywhere. Your sisters, brother, dadi, nani, nana, dadu, dad, mom, your pet. They’re yours. 

Take time out from your social circles. Instead of going to a party with a friend, have a cup pf coffee with you grandmom and grandpaa. Instead of watching a movie with your friend, look at your childhood album with your mom and dad. Instead of calling your friend to chit-chat, sit with your brothers and sisters and play Uno (thats our favourite). 

Your friends have their families too. They value them or not, their choice. But you have to pick your own. I chose my family. And I feel so lucky to have such a big and loving family. 

So, my point is. JUST TAKE SOME TIME OUT AND KNOW WHO ARE YOURS AND WHERE DO YOU BELONG TO. You’ll love your life like never before. I promise



Too weak or too strong?

Torn between the chaos of thoughts, I asked myself “How are some people so perfect all the time?. They don’t cry. They don’t have anger issues. They always have people to talk to. How do they manage to keep so many people and not lose them?”. All I could console myself with was maybe I was not meant to be a part of that social world. Maybe I wasn’t good enough as them.

But then one day, I was on my regular schedule, but had a break between classes. So I started surfing the social media. I came across people who had 500- something friends, and numerous photos with different people and partying all the time. But I couldn’t resist but ask one of them, whom I had known from a long time, about how do they have so many friends?

I came home and texted her, the conversation started all casual and then i dropped in the question, “How do you have so many friends? I hardly have 1.”. She didn’t reply for 2 hours (though the double tick turned blue). I thought I might have asked something stupid. But then, at night I recieve a long message from her. It read :-

“Do you really think they’re all my friends? Most of them might not even know my full name. I just hang around with them. Does having attended the same party and have a picture make somebody my friend? I talk to them and hang around because I don’t want to be alone. Bacause alone is comsidered unsocial. If you have 5 friends, your social life doesn’t exist. It’ll exist only if you know the 100 people your 5 friends are friends with. Thats how life works in today. Go out and see for yourself. Go and see how many people do actually know you? Yes, they know who you are, but do you know what they talk about you? NO. You’ll only know it once you’re a part of the circle.”

I didn’t know what to reply. I kept my phone aside, but then I wanted to ask her something. I decieded to go ahead and ask.

” Why do you care about what others think of you so much? Is it so important that you have to hang around with people you don’t actually know or like. It doesn’t bother me what they talk about me behind. Why is keeping a social life so necessary? You have a family, I have a family. You have your close friends, I have mine. Then why does the “Others” bother so much?”.

I waited for her to reply as the curiousity level was too damn high at that moment. Then the *ping* took the level to some other sky. The text read :-

“It does bother because I want people to know how I really am and not judge me. They just know me as a person unless we meet and they know what kind of a person I am. Thats just it. I like my life the way it is. People come up to me today and say ‘Hey, I know you’. This recognition is what I love.”

I wouldn’t really say that I was moved or started to think about how unsocial I was. Instead I felt relieved. Why? Beacuse I wasn’t weak like them. Either people are too weak to show their real self and accept it OR they’re too strong to stand up for the real them and not hide it. I belonged to the later side. And I was indeed very proud. I cannot hide myself behind a kilo of make-up and party with people to be accepted as a part of the “Social-circle”. Instead, I’ll wear my big glasses, no make-up, just a smile and roam around in my casual tees and slippers, rather than short dresses and heels. I don’t say I dislike dressing up and partying, Its just that I like to do it with people I love, not strangers who would judge me. 

After this conversation, I started looking at life from another angle and with a confidence which was on some other level. In short, I’m happy being me. And so do I advise everybody to do. “Live it like nobody knows you, except the ones you love and make sure they know you love them”



Why are changes hard?

I don’t understand how some people adapt to changes in no time. For me, it takes a VERY long time to adjust. It all makes me feel as if either I’m too weak to accept it or others are too strong. I’ve had people who changed, some left and some stayed. Between the chaos of old friends and new ones, I almost lost myself. Once you walk out of that school hate for the last time, nobody who said they’ll “be with you always” will stay. Everyone changes and so does time. Some of us are fortunate enough to find their soul-buddies who stick for life,but then everyone isn’t lucky. I never had anyone. Just one big bunch of friends who called us a “group” which would never fall apart. And indeed the group stayed together. Just that, I was left out. Maybe I never belonged there. I was just a small part who were with them to hide myself from everyone. I just wanted to be known as “that girl with glasses”, I didn’t want people to know me. 

Now when there’s no one around to hide behind, i feel I’m something. Or a little more than ‘something’. I was always better than any of those people who were my “friends”. All these years, I’ve explored myself and took time out to focus on my world. Rather than solving other’s problems.

You know, who your true friends are? FAMILY. Every person in your family knows you from the day you were born. They don’t judge you. They don’t compare you. They don’t leave you alone. They’re always there. And your best friend? YOU. Your inner-voice and your heart are your real best friends, who’ll be there at 3 a.m for you and won’t fall asleep unless you’re at peace and good. 

So, for all the people who feel they’re alone? Don’t feel it, live it, live the alone time. Have coffee and write to yourself, have a walk and sing out loud. You’ll always feel someone with you. Nobody’s alone ever. You just have to find your true self.